Lists and things

Ever noticed how useful lists can be? Not just shopping lists and to-do lists. The other kind....lists that tell you who you are and how you got there, what you want and why. I like such lists. They sometimes teach me surprising things. Of course they work best if you ask surprising questions. My most recent one is headed "When am I faking it?" Different is not always normal. And normal is rarely interesting. My lists then aren't particularly meant to serve any purpose. They just exist..crystallized forms of my mind's meanderings. My soul's pilgrimage.

1. I fake attention when people are talking about sports. (I'm a girl, I don't 'do' sports.) And string theory, because..really, who cares.
2. I fake sympathy when I see someone who has so much, whining over petty nothings. I really just want to plant them a facer.
3. I fake concern when someone is telling me how they're too buzy to do a certain task because I'm too buzy dreading the request that follows.
4. I'm faking it when I tell people stripes look good on them. Or the color yellow, which I hate. Or both.
5. I am faking indifference when someone I care about is being delibrately mean to me, so they won't see how much it really hurts.
6. The look on my face that says 'whatever' when the people I love are telling me things that are good for me? Fake. Usually I'm plain mad. I hate when they are right.
7. I fake laughter when people on the ladder above me make innane jokes and remarks that I consider inappropriate and/or lacking in intelligence.
8. I fake politeness and curtesy to people who have stabbed me or my friends or my family in the back.
9. I fake understanding when the conversation is about the 'situation in the middle east'. (I'm never sure what that situation is exactly. As far as I know, there's always been a situation there. But maybe I'm just missing the finer points.)
10. I fake confidence because it seems like everyone around me have plans for their lives. I don't have a 'plan'. Unless you count eating breakfast and feeding the cat 'plans'. Where are they all going, I wonder? How do they know that's where they want to go? And who gave them a map?

Me? I live my life strictly on a day-to-day basis. Any day I haven't been run over is a good one. Any day I'm actually prepared with an umbrella and it rains, is a day marked with a red letter. I wander around...down blind alleys, unmarked streets, and sometimes losing my way. Turning corners and crossing bridges. Building sand-castles, watching them collapse. Crying because I really thought this one could stand the tide, I really did. Breaking the faith. Making friends and gaining enemies. Watching the relationships in my life change with time, distance, circumstances. Keeping the faith. Hurting and getting hurt. Trying to find myself, only to lose myself a little more.
But if you have lists, they can serve as markers on the journey. When you've lost your way yet again and you're really wishing you had that map, the lists can help you remember. Small things. Unimportant things. Things you'd forgotten. Things that will make you smile. Things that will shock. And it might not be a map but they're darned good at reminding you of what you've left behind. And the long way you've come. And somehow, knowing you've been there before or somewhere like it, and survived, makes it a little better.