Words

The buzz of bees are in my head. Random thoughts crashing against each-other, all clamoring for voice. And I'm stuck thinking of defense mechanisms...psychology 101....my own mind fails me. Repression, Schizoid, SAD.....Does it help to have names?
I listen to the conversations around me. Everyone sounds so important. Everyone playing at grown-up. Big words. Long words. Important ones? Or more buzzing?
Looking at the girl with the lil' white pills....the brown eyes so blank...I realize I'm leaning forward, almost as if I'm trying to peek inside. Is it really all silence? And is it scary? I think of Alice.....so tempted by the cakes that said 'eat me'.....the bottles that said 'drink me'. And Wonderland takes on a whole new meaning. Around me, the conversations go on.
So easy to fake attention. Fake meaning. I toss some of my own big words in, like pebbles. Wait for a reaction. And like pebbles, they sink quietly out of sight...down, down. The murmur of agreement is deflating. And somehow funny. I carefully stifle my giggles. I look around at the faces I see....eager, earnest. And I want to shout, 'Show me the voices. I know you've got them. I can't be the only one who has an inside of a head that talks back...' But I don't because...because the big words are confusing me. It's such a good act. So I quietly play the audience instead.
Later, as we leave, the pill-girl grabs my arm, demanding 'did you have fun? Is something wrong? You look....'
I wait for the word...she's going to tell me how I feel...anxious, depressed, crazy.....spot diagnosis. It doesn't come. I smile at her, searching for words to hide behind. 'Just a diremption of mind and body'. She laughs, because it sounds like a joke and I'm let off the hook. I walk away, feeling more kindly towards big words. I like when they serve my purpose.